For a few months, I have felt the need to share what has been going on with our family, due to an unattractive journey of discontentment on my behalf, but honestly, I just have not had the words. And it's embarrassing. But this place here has become more of a place of risk all due to what I feel the Lord prompts me to share. I don't know why. But I said "anything" to him. So there you have it.
For the past six months or so, I've been earnestly watering the seed of discontentment that I believe comes in each human heart from the moment we're born. A seed is just a seed, but when one waters and cultivates the soil it can turn into a full grown tree which can provide shade for a whole army, and, well, that's kind of what became of my little seed.
We are a family of seven living in a 1650 sq ft. home. It's cozy and it has been and continues to be a haven for our family. From the moment I stepped foot in it (back when it was in it's original 60's brown glory), I knew. There was such a sense of peace and confidence in knowing that it was the home the Lord had for us. The reason we bought it was because of the price and the fact it had acreage. We envisioned our-then three children climbing the trees and picking apples from the apple tree (which now may be dead from the draught!). We previously had a habit of going "big" and stretching our means when it came to homes and items of consumption, so for us to buy a humble fixer-upper was a true step in stewardship, and we felt incredibly grateful to be able to do so and make wiser choices for our family.
Shortly after we had moved in (and had done a complete budget remodel), we found out our family of five would be a surprise(!) family of six... then months after that, surprise(!) a family of seven. Hands down the best surprises we have ever had. Those boys add so much joy to our family!
They also add noise. As do the other three children, all in a home that is 1650 sq. ft. With the newly heightened awareness of constant noise, combined with a sudden urge to need a school room, my little dormant seed of discontentment grew rapidly. I continued to dwell on what we didn't have or what we needed. All along the way, the Lord would whisper "be happy", or show me through scripture what true contentment was.
But he is so good. He let me just run the course, as he knew I would, dragging my family along the way in the search for something bigger. We found a neat place that was big enough for our family, it even had a school room and plenty of property for the children to roam. Of course it was dated and needed quite a bit of work. A new project to add on to our already-full plate, and the added bonus of an increase in our mortgage payment. Doesn't it sound like a great success plan?! Goodness. I must be a treat to live with. :) We found out that it had an offer on it and decided in one day to list our home and write an offer on the bigger house. It was accepted and we moved quickly into sell-mode, losing appreciation for our house by the day.
Within days of being in contract, the house fell through and rather than a great sadness, I experienced an immediate peace. Even after the excitement of sketching out the new kitchen plan hundreds of times and planning all the DIY projects and budgets, a larger house brought on the worry of a bigger payment and more maintenance. Suddenly, our humble home seemed just that: humble.
At that point our house was still on the market in case we were able to find something new. But deep down, I knew I needed to do what my Father had been asking me to do all along, which was to be happy and to be content. To thrive where we currently are.
At that point our house was still on the market in case we were able to find something new. But deep down, I knew I needed to do what my Father had been asking me to do all along, which was to be happy and to be content. To thrive where we currently are.
I felt so fickle and wayward. Correction. I was so fickle and wayward. We brought our realtor through all the hoopla, along with friends and family just to end up right where we had begun. As humbling as the process was, it brought and continues to bring great appreciation to where we are and why we are here.
Just as our home was purchased with a heart of stewardship, we are learning to be content without moving forward. We are choosing to take care of what we have and to do it with wisdom and steadiness.
It's humbling to sit down and teach my children about discontentment, to reform their opinions of our own home and property, and even more humbling to ask their forgiveness for bringing them through this process. But perhaps that was part of the purpose as well. So that they can see an example of "fickle and wayward" and see how God gently brings his child back to his plan. :)
Who knows what the Lord has in the future. Perhaps he does have that larger, quieter home with a school room off the kitchen for us. But for now, he's asking us to be still and to be stewards. And that is what we will do.
On a side note, I realized I haven't posted very many pictures of what we have been up to. These images are from a sweet little trip we had to the town of Bolinas. We were house sitting for some friends and were able to enjoy their wonderful and quaint town, while fitting in some tide pooling and bird tagging observation. It was really a special time and I'm glad I made an effort to document some of it.
